Probably the biggest challenge facing divers today is the same challenge faced by divers of yesteryear: sharks.
-al-
One day I was in Florida and spied a manatee. Thinking, Manatees are also known as Sea Cows, so, do they produce Sea Milk and what would it taste like? I bit it would taste like Chicken Milk. Just saying.
-Track-
I want a cheese that I can eat in the shower and also come in Tarragon flavor.
-Track-
I was flying a jet and my copilot was being a total backseat driver--criticizing everything I was doing. "Use your afterburners!" "Ease up on the yoke!," "More flaps!" So finally I just ejected. FINE YOU FLY THE JET!!! Not really but wouldn't that be perfect?
-al-
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of raccoons.
-TheNewNumberTwo-
"Stevie B the Teen Werewolf" - a story about a teen in Brooklyn who discovers he's a werewolf one night when he turns into a werewolf and murders his whole family. His sidekick is a cursing parrot named "Rocky."
-al-
deep inventions - the remote control switch thrower - now throwing a switch is easier than ever. throw a switch with the simple push of a button from nearly anywhere in the room!
-barquedust-
Yummi Gummi Blade Chews - Safe, delicious razor blade gummies - with blood-red burst liquid centers. "Burst" into one today!
-barquedust-
Funji Punji by Nerf - The flexible, safe punji sticks for children ages 5-12. Booby traps were never this much fun!
-barquedust-
Lincoln Farms Hi-Explosion Wartime Grenades. A name you can trust.
-al-
Deep Invention: The Talkie Walkie. It functions nearly identically to the Walkie Talkie, but it also has a mute button and an MP3 player. You simply talk while you walk...or listen to music.
-barquedust-
Recent Studies Show Sexual Intercourse Number One Cause of Pregnancy
A recent study by researchers at the University of Buckley in Boston released its findings today with some surprising results. The panel of clinicians and doctors formally announced its 212 page report conclusive - The number One cause of pregnancy in America in 2009 - sexual intercourse.
The announcement came early this morning in a press release, nearly two months earlier than its scheduled quarterly report. When asked why the sudden conclusion Dr. Ezra Heintz of Buckley told us, "The evidence was simply too overwhelming to ignore. After just six weeks the lab results were consistent in nearly every case study. The pattern began emerging and the conclusive results could not be disputed. It's now a verified scientific fact. Once we had the results in front of us there was really no need to investigate any further."
Physicians analyzed data from over 2000 individual studies of genome sequencing and DNA testing. "Each time," said the board of gynecology at U.B. "the cause of the pregnancy was consistently traced back to the same singular event."
Researchers say that couples who engaged in sexual intercourse were as much as 100% more likely to become pregnant than those known to have been completely abstinent. Telling numbers indeed.
Doctors say that sexual intercourse could be responsible for at least half of all the pregnancies throughout the United States in the last few decades. "It now seems more likely than not", said one of the panelists. The cause next likely to result in pregnancy was found to be artificial insemination.
"At this point, anything seems possible and we're not ruling anything out...but intercourse now seems to be the main culprit," stated Dr. Heintz. When asked which of the two sexes were more responsible for the actual conception Dr. Heintz told us "we're not exactly sure how the female subjects became pregnant, but at this point it seems evident that the egg played no small roll and therefore, I would have to say that it is likely to be the female who is most responsible for conception." A statement, some say, likely to be used as evidence in countless "Deadbeat Dad" cases across the nation.
The independent study was funded by the Food and Drug Administration and by Federal Grants with monies allocated from the tax-payers at large. The findings came in just under the allotted budget of $3.5 million.
2010 Babbleon News
-barquedust-
There's the cutest little convenience store in my neighborhood i love to patronize.
-al-
Buddhas Scripture to Lin Ling (The Parable of the Serpent)
Bird is told by Dog,
It is a sin to fly
So he spends out his days tearing off his wings.
Dog is told by Serpent,
It is a sin to run
So he spends out his days tearing off his legs.
Serpent is told by Rat,
It is a sin to slither
Rat is told by Serpent,
I know. Thats why I have all of these tiny wheels under my belly.
And Serpent rides wheelie for Rat.
-barquedust-
A.P. - Geological Summit Concludes Grand Canyon Not So Grand After All
By Barquedust
A group of geologists from around the globe convened in northern Arizona this week to discuss the Grand Canyon. The consensus - Mediocre at best. Dr. Phillip Flagship, the director of the meeting said, We have long suspected that the moniker Grand was just a hipshot of early pioneers or perhaps a loosely interpreted publicity stunt, but until now we had no conclusive evidence. You have some of the top geologists from universities around the world as well as a number of irrefutable carbon studies that concur. The sad fact is, its really not that great of a canyon. We used our rock hammers and little hand brooms as well as other little rock tools to take samples from everywhere from the canyon rim to the riverbed. We put all of our soil and rocks in petri dishes and examined them with high-powered microscopes and everything. Im satisfied with the findings.
When I asked Dr. Anne Goldstein of the L.U.A. her professional opinion of the canyon she just shrugged her shoulders and said, its alright, I guess.
If you look at rocks and stuff from a scientific viewpoint youll understand that this canyon had literally millions and millions of years of erosion, tectonic shifting and upheavals to form. Viewed through that lens, youd expect something with a little more pizzazz, said Dr. Goldstein in her concluding remarks.
The report sent shock waves through the National Parks organization who lauded the scientific efforts of the team but officially denied any knowledge of any wrongdoing in the naming of the canyon and formally disagreed with the panel. We think its a fantastic canyon. In fact its one of our best, exclaimed David Billings of the National Parks Administration. Nevertheless, were working to provide the public with some of the finest canyons, forests and mountains anywhere on earth and were committed to that. I think 2010 is going to be a banner year for canyons in general and, most likely, next summer will be the premier of something special weve been working on.. Billings declined to elaborate but the term Supercanyon has been heard. I guess well just have to wait and see.
-barquedust-
ever notice how we've all become dependent on our turn signals? we use them like crutches-- i'm turning left! i'm turning right! and so on and so forth.
we would be helpless if our turn signals suddenly reversed or even worse--stopped working altogether. doesn't it seems like a bad idea to put all our eggs in one basket like that?
-al-
Parkour: adult the-floor-is-lava.
-mrdelayer-
Some advice: If someone is towing your car don't yell "Hey, that's my car!" You know why? Because it really bugs me that's why.
-al-
There could be a fantasy creature called the "Bisallo" that had the head of a bison and the body of a buffallo...and we wouldn't even know it.
-al-
you know a couple things that seem crazy to me?
1) people just let their cats strut around the neighborhood completely free to spy on people and read their thoughts.
2) you have to pay over $23K just for bullet proof glass for your house to protect yourself from assassins.
crazy, right?!
-al-
France is going to be my next big vacation. They have a great history of art and culture and wines and all that stuff. Also my nephew tells me there's a place in France where the naked ladies dance.
-al-
I told my so-called friend that lately i felt my life was rife with strife and all he could do was laugh. Some friend.
-al-
if you have a baby boy and your last name is 'Manzbuttocks', may I suggest 'Hairy' as the first name?
-baquedust-
A better version: "The Fast and the Furious and the Werewolves."
-al-
when you are playing lead guitar please don't bend your knees so much.
-al-
I found a lamp at a garage sale and took it home and was polishing it when suddenly a genie appeared and said he was granting me three wishes. Except I was skeptical because he didn't look like a genie. So my first wish was a test to see if he really was a genie. I said "If you're really a genie then my wish is for you to make an elephant appear out of thin air in my livingroom!"
Well he really was a genie because there was an elephant in my livingroom. A gigantic elephant that broke my overhead light when he appeared and who was really stinky and agitated. There was barely enough room for the genie and me and the elephant was acting wild and I was nervous he was going to knock over my entertainment center so I said "Okay, okay, you're a genie! Now for my second wish, get rid of this elephant!" And just like that the elephant was gone.
And then it dawned on me that I only had one wish left so I should make it a good one. I thought about it for several minutes and I realized all the money in the world couldn't reunite me with my elephant who I had really started to miss. So for my third wish I said "Okay, i wish the elephant was back but that he was the size of a dog."
Technically that's two wishes but I think the genie let it slide because he knew how much I missed my dog-sized elephant.
The End.
-al-
A hilarious idea for an impractical joke: move your buddy's house to the bottom of a giganitc pit.
-al-
Recipe for Wildflower Stew
1 cup of wildflowers
1 pot of stew
Add the wildflowers to the stew.
Serves 4.
-al-
to me the most intimidating monster is not the vampire, it is the vampire with a full beard.
-al-
a good example of a "game within a game" is checkers.
-al-
a good ballet that someone should write would be an interperative dance about a bunch of homophobic football players who entered in a hotwing eating contest. there would be expressive dances portraying different follies and foibles. at one part, the dancers would portray the football players suspecting one another of being homosexual, but as the tension builds, we find our heroes just having a good time and eating hotwings together. the costumes would be made entirely out of brightly-colored feathers and there would be one hell of a set. and one hell of a lot of props.
-barquedust-
in order for your body of water to qualify as a 'river', it must measure at least 25' deep and be no less than 10' long and must flow by natural means - either by gravity or some kind of naturally occuring pump. also, trenching of a creek to make it deeper is grounds for disqualification.
-barquedust-
you know what's really super stupid? - renaissance fairs. even during the real renaissance the people who dressed like that and acted like that were really stupid. here's some important and relevant information for you renaissance fair people - there's no such thing as magic. and guess what - juggling and walking on stilts in long jester costumes is also stupid. so are mimes. and while i'm at it, "shows" at casinos in vegas and on broadway are stupid too. expect more out of life, people! there...i think i'm done.
-barquedust-
Whenever I see someone hold elevator doors from too far away I start slowing down like a robot running out of batteries. Eventually they get scared and close the doors.. sometimes this can take upwards of 5 minutes.
-palindromic-
i bet one joke that isn't funny among spitting cobra societies is the old water-squirting lapel flower gag. another classic is the hand buzzer trick, which, it may be worth noting, isn't particularly well-recieved among most vipers and hardly any of the colubrid varieties throughout india. finally, slight of hand is probably just lost on serpents altogether.
-barquedust-
If you were a foreigner in america and you heard the word "restroom" for the first time, i could see how you might assume it was a room where you could just kick back and relax for a while, to gather your thoughts and take it easy. But I should warn you that this is one of those words where the name doesn't really describe what it does. In America, the restroom is actually a room where we "do our business." Hopefully this will save you some embarrassment friend. And welcome to America.
-al-
Got a Rattlesnake in your house? Don't worry, you handle it just like you would with a common Gardner snake. The only difference is the rattlesnake has a deadly neurotoxin; everything else is the same.
-al-
It was my birthday and I had dinner and drinks at a seafood restaurant with two friends from my World of Warcraft guild. The wait staff did a special birthday chant for me which was very touching so I stood on my booth and thanked everyone and yelled out "free drinks for everyone!" I was a little drunk.
When the bill came I contributed the 8 dollars I had and my two friends paid the other $268 dollars on their credit cards. I felt bad I didn't have credit cards but also thankful because that's a lot of debt. I also felt thankful because the waiter brought me a free slice of cake.
-al-
I have a mission. A mission to protect the airport. If a bag is unattended, it must be taken away. Simple as that. What does unattended mean? Who cares. It seems like it means "being held". I'm not a dummy. I'm a reasonably smart guy. This is just a temporary job. But while I've got it, I gotta do it. Gotta save the airport. Gotta defeat terrorists. Gotta do my job.
-Freshtimes-
When i leave a really good parking spot i usually park nearby so i can see who got it after me. Yeah, you're right, that *is* an excellent space. You're welcome.
-al-
I point and laugh at those who still wear a watch. My cellphone has taken the place of that years ago. I wear it on a band around my wrist.
-Bunnyhat-
when the teller at wells fargo told me i had a number of overdrafts in my checking account and that there were seven insufficient funds fees i froze from embarassment. i decided to act like it was somebody else's fault, so i did my best yoda - "disturbing this is. forsee the lack of funds i did not. stolen my money somebody must have." i turned to leave and as i opened the door i said, "find him i must!" i think it bought me at least a couple of days.
-barquedust-
I think I could probably fit in my refrigerator if I took all the ham out, but we'll never know because getting in your refrigerator is a bad idea, my friend.
But if I could fit in my oven, I think I could definately fit in my refrigerator.
-al-
Are we sure it's "backpack" and not "packback?" I could have sworn it was "packback"--a "pack" you wear on your "back." See?
-al-
You know that old riddle about "Sally" who sells seashells down by the seashore? I never did figure that one out.
-al-
This year I got a christmas card from Bank of America because I recently opened a new checking account with them. I was really impressed that they remembered me and was in the holiday spirit so I went to Office Depot and got them a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit calendar as a gag gift and a all-in-one combination fax machine, copier, and printer for the office.
Then two days later I got another Christmas card from my dentist and I felt bad because I had spent all my money on Bank of America. I guess "find a new dentist" is one of my New Year's Resolutions.
-al-
Question: What do you do if a monkey comes up, bonks you on the head, and knocks you out?
Answer: You don't do anything man, he knocked you out. Plus he stole your watch.
Sorry.
-al-
deep invention: the fishhook utensil - it basically looks like a chopstick with a fishhook on the end. you stab your food with the hook and the barb keeps it from sliding off. it pretty much renders the fork obsolete. enjoy!
-barquedust-
you know, the more i think about it the more i'm convinced that the pyramids were built by gigantic dogs who would simply pick up the massive bricks in thier mouths and fit them in place where thier egyptian masters told them to. the really amazing thing is how did those dogs get the stones so close together that you can't even slip a sheet of paper between them? man, i guess gigantic dogs can be trained to do just about anything nowadays.
-barquedust-
i was about to buy some planters deluxe whole cashews at the store the other day when i realized i was a little slim in the wallet. so i looked for the planters regular whole cashews but i couldn't find them. i thought, "hmm. that's funny. you'd think they would have a cheaper version than the 'deluxe' ones." then it dawned on me - planters probably did away with all of the regular cashews and just brought the price down on the deluxe ones. i see heinz got onboard with thier 'extra fancy ketchup' too. i just want to say thanks to them for delivering the higher end products to us joe everydays at a price we can afford.
-barquedust-
one way to enjoy nature us to just get out there and drink some beer. i think you'll find that the hike gets prettier and your backpack gets lighter the more beer you drink. the other bonus - natures toilet is just around every corner. so get off that couch, you lazy slob and go enjoy some of the finest drinking trails mother nature has provided! oh, and please recycle your bottles and cans responsibly in the bottom of the creek or river where they won't be an eyesore to children and other drunk hikers.
-barquedust-
deep invetions: the one-way monacle. you could see out, but nobody could see in. this way, nobody could tell where you were looking but you'd still be able to maintain the appearance of a rich baron.
-barquedust-
deep inventions: the retractable threaded bolt. it's just like a regular bolt except it has a button which makes the threads slide in flat making it a smooth shaft, so you don't have to unscrew the nut anymore, just press the button and slide the nut right off. so the next time you go to the hardware store it would be like, "good day, governor. I'll take two dozen of your finest retractable threaded bolts, my good man, now be off with you." the proprietor would return with the bolts and you would place them in your satchel under your cape and pay the squire his 3 gold pieces (or whatever they cost) and bid him a good day.
-barquedust-
if someone tries to make you feel stupid, just tell him, "I know more in my little finger than everything you DON'T know combined." That should shut his darn mouth.
-barquedust-
isn't a large part of what we call "science" really just luck?
-barquedust-
i bet the last thing a jury wants to hear all trial long is a lawyer that rhymes all of his sentences - "ladies and gentlemen of the jury, take your time, no need to hurry. i think you'll find my client's innocent.." etc. you see?
-barquedust-
most delicious kind of roca: almond roca
-barquedust-
horn section of rock band seeks horn player for horn position. must be able to play horns with drums and rock-style drums. horn playing a must with a background in horns, horn playing and rock. will have horn parts to learn, so familiarity with the horn is a must. experience with drum parts are desirable but will teach the right candidate. also any drumming skills a plus. must have a carrying case for your horn and be able to tune your horn to rock drums. should be able to play rock-n-roll with the horn and must work well with other horn players. regular horns are preferred, but will consider less normal horns depending on your ability. please bring your horn, carrying case and any horn related supplies to audition. thank you.
-barquedust-
the coral reefs are dying at a tremendous rate. if they die, i feel like a little part of me will die too. but i suspect it'll be a part i can live without or was going to have removed anyway, so i guess no harm done. by the way, is it 'reefs' or 'reeves'?
-barquedust-
Rock band seeks drummer. Must be good at drumming and like to drum. All our songs require drumming--none are drum-free so you will be doing a lot of drumming. Two of our songs have drum solos for you and we may have more songs with drum solos in the future but for now there are two. You should have your own drums and drumsticks and should be enthusiastic about drumming. Serious drummers only please.
-al-
Deep Inventions:
Someone should invent the 'Mini Limo'. It's just like a normal limo, only much much shorter. You would have to do away with the bar and the big seats, but you'd still keep all the necessary parts, like the steering wheel, shifter and emergency brake. Plus, a special feature of the luxurious 'Mini Limo' would be some sort of really expensive stereo system.
-barquedust
-
here's an idea for a song; its about a robot that doesn't know he's not a human. he falls in love with another robot but tells her that he can't be with her because they're too different. and there's a snappy little reggae beat. and at the very end, a little more reggae.
-barquedust-
You know who the fastest man alive is?
Well it's not a man, it's a woman! And she isn't even that fast...just normal speed.
It was a trick question.
-al-
Deep Inventions:
A good invention would be the 'Overnight Calculator'. All you would do would be to enter your equation, just like a normal calculator, and then, simply forget about it and go to bed. The next morning, when you check the 'Overnight Calculator', your answer will appear on the display. The math was done while you slept.
-barquedust-
Deep Inventions:
One invention I would like to see is the 'Flightless Mosquito'. This would be just like a normal mosquito, only it wouldn't have wings. This way, the mosquito remains a necessary part of the ecosystem, but they can't bite you as much.
-barquedust
-
in my heart, i'm a vegetarian. but not in my stomach.
-al
-
I bet we wouldn't laugh so hard at midgets if we were all that size. Unless they were all riding Shetland Ponies too.
-barquedust
-
One of the biggest attributes of the mouth is that it's wet inside. This acts as a natural 'fire retardant.'
-barquedust
-
I was on a cross country road trip with Jason Bourne and we were playing slug bug and it totally sucked. He is extremely observant and he hits really really hard.
-al-
a pretty funny scenario for a sitcom would be this guy who was going to write a letter, so he tells his dog to go get him a pen. but the dog comes back with a pencil and the guy gets mad and scolds the dog for not knowing the difference between a pen and a pencil. then the guy starts writing his letter and you know what happens? he makes a mistake and erases it. just then he looks over at the dog and the dog looks up at him and then they both start cracking up.
-al-
i was driving to work this morning when i passed, what appeared to be, a raccoon taking a nap right in the middle of the highway. realizing that the little guy was in serious danger i slammed on the brakes and backed up to wake him up, but you know what? he wasn't asleep. he was in some sort of deep coma. he wouldn't move at all. something caused this critter to go into a coma and i had to get to the bottom of it...but not right now because i was a little too drunk. so i put her in drive and continued on my way - but I think i might have ran over his tail.
-barquedust-
No matter how we may try, we men may never be able to understand the complex psyche of women. While beautiful, they are often so irrational and timid. Bearing this in mind, I have found that when we first meet women we should be sensitive to their superstitious emotions - especially when we tell them that we are a Warlock.
-barquedust
-
To birds I bet jet planes seem like big lucky birds that have the easy life; they can fly without having to flap their wings all the time. But don't be so envious, birds. They have us packed in here like sardines and these crackers suck.
-al
-
If your accountant asks your for a bunch of money for a "sure-thing" investment I recommend you take some time to think about it. Do you even have an accountant? This guy looks more like a street person
But if it really is a sure thing then what do you have to lose?
There, that's probably enough time for thinking. I say go for it.
-Al-
One way to tell you're dreaming is to see if you have the power to leave your body. If you do, simply look back at your body. If it's sleeping then you are dreaming. If your body is driving a car or something like that, you're awake.
-al
-
Charleton Heston should make a candy bar called the Charleton Chew. It could be shaped like a rifle and even have real bullets. In order to make it life-like it would be the size of an actual rifle. Heck, I think it even shoots!
-barquedust
-
if you're one of those guys who winks when you talk to me - please stop! I really hate that!
-barquedust-
Have you ever been driving along and start thinking about how incredibly heavy and powerful your car is and how amazing it is that they let you just drive it whenever you want? When i think about this sometimes i just start laughing and laughing because it seems so crazy to me how dangerous it is. But when the laughing starts to get hysterical and i start getting tears in my eyes i always pull over to the side of the road to avoid accidentally swerving into oncoming traffic. I hope other people are as safe as me.
-al
-
A good way to avoid crying when you're chopping onions: don't be such a baby.
-al-
While watching the Blue Angels do their fancy sky dance the other day I was thinking that if I was one of them, and my jet was going to crash anyway, and I couldn't eject, I would fly really close to the surface of the lake and then into the water at a very shallow angle just to see how many times it would skip before exploding. I'm guessing three. Also I think I'd point it into the crowds to give those who survived something to remember.
-frazee
-
If you're on a killing spree and you come across someone else who's also on a killing spree don't make the mistake of trying to join sprees. It doesn't work like that. Also, please at least consider shopping sprees instead guys. Thanks.
-al-
Someday I'd like to travel to Tibet to seek the oldest and wisest man in the land, even if it means climbing the highest mountain. When I find him, I will ask the most profound question of all. As he is distracted contemplating the answer, I will wrestle him to the ground. Sure he might be wiser than I am, but I won't be the one screaming "Uncle".
-frazee
-
i bet outer space isn't nearly as big as everybody thinks it is.
-barquedust-
A good way to help out your fellow man, while making a little extra cash, would be to create your own credit card company. You could have a special introductory offer at 50% interest. Thats a 50/50 split, right across the board so it's perfectly fair. There would be a minimal annual fee of like 60 bucks, plus, you could waive the application fee if you signed up now! You could make the cards out of 'For Sale' signs - which could easily be bought at Fred Meyer - because they're made out of kind of thick plastic. The raised numbers could be made with one of those label makers. You could even laminate it.
-barquedust
-
When my boss told me, "You don't know the meaning of the word 'hard work'", I just laughed. "That's two words", I told him. It just goes to show... Bosses aren't always right.
-barquedust
-
If I could be any superhero, I think I'd be Donkey Kong. Why? Because he's part donkey, and part King Kong.
-inspired
-
call before, you dig?
-barquedust
-
I bet one of the things monkeys envy human beings for the most is the ability to grow a handlebar mustache. Fortunately, this can work to the humans advantage in combat. That's the one thing the monkey needs to learn... Never let your enemy know your achilles' heel.
-barquedust
-
I can understand "no kicking", but it seems like numchucks should be allowed in boxing. As long as both boxers agree.
-barquedust
-
Drinking pee may sound disgusting at first, but when you think about it, pee is just water mixed with some other nutrients.
-barquedust-
as one ponders the fate of the theatre, it begs the question, is broadway really dead? hamlet...ophelia...augustus? the answer; YES
also, transformsers was freaking AWESOME!
-barquedust-
contrary to what you may have heard, 'beauty' is NOT in the eye of the beholder. 'beauty' is the opposite of 'ugly'. lets try to stay on the same page here, people.
-barquedust-
ever notice how selfish the ferret is? i think it's about to learn a little lesson in humility.
-barquedust-
"freedom" is just a longer word for "free".
-barquedust-
If your name is Tamara please don't open a store called "Tamara's Cameras" because that's just too much.
-al
-
i have an idea for getting out of work. bring a refrigerator box to work and just get inside whenever your boss comes around. how do you keep him from looking inside? simple: write EMPTY with a magic marker on the outside.
-al
-
if the rapture really happens and all pure people are suddenly transported to heaven, the first thing i'm going to do is start looting. but is it really "looting" if the owner is in heaven? I think it's more like 'claiming.' i'm going to claim a lexus.
-al
-
if you absolutely MUST write poetry, please keep it short. thanks.
-barquedust-
if two birds in a nest yearn for their mother but she never returns, is it okay to go ahead and cook and eat them? probably not, if they're robins, but otherwise i say go ahead.
-barquedust-
oh the tumult of the modern world - the brazen clamour of your machines as a thousand trumps from hell. you thief of dreams. you robber. wilt thou give me back my $.75?
-barquedust-
i think dogs should run faster
-Unknown
-
i've gotten into a new habit of having two ketchups every morning. I'm talking about those squeeze pouches you get at Burger King. I have two of those every morning, as a type of vitamins. They taste terrible, but its worth it to finally be taking my vitamins.
-al
-
as the sun went to bed and gave birth to a new moon, I lay musing over the possibility - would mankind one day stop calling me a 'retard' if i somehow learned to behave in a more good-thinker way?
-barquedust-
If I could go back in time, I'd go back to June 21st, 1980 and go to a supermarket, buy some groceries, then take them to a park. I'd fix sandwhiches, have some watermelon, and drink a few beers. Doesn't that sound like a good time?
-al
-
Question: Tony has a bag with 8 spiders in it. He takes out two and eats them; how many spiders are left?
Answer: Tony is gross.
-al-
Deep Inventions - some sort of rocket propelled race car that nearly doubles the current world speed record.
-barquedust-
sometimes i wonder if history isn't trying to teach us something. if it is, i bet its something to do with math.
-barquedust-
i remember as a child we used to lay out under the stars at night and imagine what it would be like to lay back in our beds. then before you knew it, you were in a deep, peaceful sleep and peeing in your sleeping bag. and sometimes peeing in the other kids sleeping bags while they were asleep so that they thought that they had peed in their own sleeping bags. and sometimes peeing on the tent and the dog. childhood was a magical time.
-barquedust-
If you're thinking about putting an animal in your band i recommend a gorilla drummer for a number of reasons i don't have time explain.
-al-
A puppet is a dangerous thing. Especially when there is a knife under the puppet.
Also, the puppet is ugly.
Tender-Thoughts.com
-Matt-
Guns are a double-edged sword.
-al-
I like to save up my April fools jokes until March when nobody expects them.
-al-
You know what the main course is in a restaurant for robots? Chicken penne pasta with a creamy alfredo sauce. Just kidding, it's NUTRIENTS; they don't care about sauces.
-al-
I think if you want to live like a hermit you should be required to get a permit. Not because I have anything against hermits. Just because "hermit permit" cracks me up every time. Plus we should probably keep track of our hermits.
-Al-
Deep Inventions: The Automated Computer - It's like a regular computer, but all of the computations are to be made at will by the simple press of a button. Or sometimes, for some computations, a few buttons.
-barquedust-
For my interview I brought my very best character sheet I had ever rolled up - I thought this little "resume" would speak for itself. My intelligence score was 18, my wisdom score was 17, my dexterity was 16. I mean, what did this company want? I even broke out my dice and offered to roll 3d20 right in front of them to prove that the scores weren't forged, but I guess they weren't looking for one of the best rogue paladins in the industry to run their little "convenience" store. "Suit yourself," I said, and bought a Dr. Pepper and a bag of Skittles for the bike ride home.
-barquedust-
I just had another idea for a movie. I'm not sure what it's about yet, but it's also rated R for nudity and sexual content.
-barquedust-
One way to get out of a promise that you have made is to "accidentally" misspell one of the words. Like, "I promise I didn't cheet on you." See?
-barquedust-
Here's another idea for a movie: It's called 'Hillbilly Dracula' and it's all about the misadventures of a hillbilly vampire who finds himself in the big city. All of the stuck-up city folk make fun of his buck fangs and his bib overalls, but eventually they all learn to get along, and you know who becomes his best friend? His boss who seemed to care only about money and success.
-barquedust-
Here's a good idea for a movie: It's like Dracula, but every time Dracula goes to bite his victim his fangs hinge open to reveal smaller, sharper steel fangs. He then bites his victim like normal. It's called, 'RoboDracula' and it'd be rated R for nudity and strong sexual content.
-barquedust-
A good holiday would be - 'Cuts Day'. On Cuts Day you could take cuts in any line you wanted to. You could show your spirit by cutting in line in heavy traffic and then giving the cut's day salute to your fellow drivers. Happy Cuts Day, Sucka!
-barquedust-
Yoga can be very meditative. You simply let your body relax and feel the stress floating out of your fingertips and let your mind control your body. It's really about mind control. One way to get your mind in a good, meditative state is by first huffing gasoline and then drinking a 12 oz. bottle of NyQuil Maximum Strength. Ready? Here comes the meditation!!
-barquedust-
The waitress asked, "would you like patty or lynx sausage?" "I'll try the lynx sausage," I told her. And I have to say, I began salivating in anticipation.
-barquedust-
If I was a dog I wouldn't be very excited about eating something called "ALPO." But if it was called "French Expressions Brand Dog Food, Fortified with Vitamin D," well, now you've got my attention. Also if you want to play fetch, i'm up for that.
-al-
I'm so hungry I could ride a horse.
-Ralph Wiggum-
If you own some kind of kiddie fishing pond, here's a great slogan for your business..."There's something Fishy going on at my pond, and if you'd like to get to the bottom of it then come on down and go fishing here and find out what I'm talking about. We've got free hot dogs and balloons and you'll automatically be entered in a drawing to win $1,000,000. And if you're not totally satisfied we'll triple your money back - no questions asked."
-b-boy-
here's a great practical joke to play on a great white shark; wait until he's asleep and then replace all of his teeth with rubber teeth. the next morning when he goes hunting, it's like, "what the...?" He'd probably look around to see if anyone saw him. then he'd shrug his shoulders and probably laugh at the situation. you'd be surprised, but the shark is actually highly misunderstood and very little is known about it's sense of humor.
-barquedust-
if i were a fish,i think i would be a goldfish. the kind
you win at carnivals when the ping pong ball goes into the
tiny bowl. when the six year old brings me home and feeds
me hot dogs and i pretend to be dead by floating upside
down his dad would toss me into the toilet. then i could
escape through the sewer pipes and make it out to sea.
once i got to florida i could live on the coast and finally
retire.
-jtmotor
-
I have to wonder if snakes would be so scary if they were coiled up like a spring and hopped instead of slithered.
-barquedust
-
If you ever start your own town I think 'Ghonorrhea' is a bad name. May I suggest 'Air Jordan'? Also, will you please keep your post office open until 9:00 pm. Thanks.
-barquedust
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I think hunting is wrong unless it's for the meat. Or the pelt. Or the head or horns. Or for fun. But hunting with fireworks is wrong under any conditions. Unless it's the 4th of July or New Year's Eve, and then, buddy I got a new definition of hunting "party"!
-barquedust
-
Here's a good way to make money - Have your own 'Blood Drive'. You would simply make a stand out of some old wooden crates and some old rusty nails and an old abandoned "Blood Drive" sign. Once you have all the blood, you just sell it to the hospital.
-barquedust
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I don't think 'intelligunt' is a word.
-barquedust
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Sometimes the more we think about something the less we understand. Other times we think about things just the right amount, but still nothing. And sometimes there's just a kind of humming noise.
-barquedust
-
The real test of a true man is how much money he's willing to lend me.
-barquedust
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I think shaving "gel" is one of the biggest shell games perpetrated on the American public as well as all other shaving/personal grooming-conscious peoples of the world. Once applied to the face, the so-called "gel" turns into regular old run-of-the-mill foam. And that goes for the special "for sensitive skin" variety too. Why wouldn't you just assume that everyones skin is sensitive and make your bunco "gel" comfortable for everyone? What a shell game!
-barquedust
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maybe the so-called "dumb" things i say are actually *smart* things and they're so smart that they just appear to be dumb. wouldn't that be ironical?
-al-
A lot of those magic bean trades are really scams. I did this once but the guy had altered the expiration date on the beans. I had no idea they were two months past their prime until I got them home. Stupid magic bean con man.
-pocket ninja-
If you're ever playing poker in a Vegas casino and the dealer calls out the wild cards, I recommend you ask, "What about sixes and sevens?" First of all, this gives the dealer confidence in you because it shows that you're paying attention and that you're eager to learn and do a good job. Secondly, you never know...sixes or sevens might be wild and he forgot.
-barquedust
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Best Hideout for Al Quaeda: Invisible Hideout
-barquedust
-
What are baby midgets called?
-barquedust
-
If you get exiled by your community, let me know. If I can, i'll bring you stuff from WalMart.
-al
-
How about a "bullet proof" vest that that was 1/3rd the cost of a normal bullet proof vest, 1/3 the weight, and 1/3rd as bulky and awkward? The secret: it's not really bullet proof...but the criminal doesn't know that. To him it looks just like a normal bullet proof vest and would even have the words "BULLETPROOF VEST" stenciled across the chest in white letters. So the criminal would be like "why waste my bullets?" Note: The Fake Bullet Proof Vest should be worn on the *outside* of your clothing to be most effective.
-al
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I've got to be honest: I'm not very scared of the Mummy. He's just too slow to be scary to me. I could just jog away from him no big deal. I think it's because his outfit of all those bandages he's wrapped in is not very athletic at all and really makes it hard for him to do fast movements on account of the binding. So what I propose is this: Lose all the bandages except one around his forehead like a sweatband and maybe some around his shins like leg warmers and there you go: fast-motion Mummy.
-al
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At first I supported it, because it seemed kind of cool, but the more I thought about it I realized I am DEFINITELY against gorilla warfare.
-barquedust-
i changed my retirement investment strategy from "win 1 million dollar lottery" to "win 100 thousand-dollar lotteries." because do you know the odds of winning the 1 million dollar jackpot? you've got to be realistic about this; it's your future we're talking about.
-al
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If a rich monkey ever acted like a snob to me, I wouldn't be offended. Come on, he's just a monkey.
-barquedust
-
using your turn signals is such a cliche
-al
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I dont have the training to be a doctor, but I could be a second opinion doctor. i would only give second opinions so there wasn't all this pressure, and i'd have my patients always bring their doctor's diagnosis with them. "let's have a look at your doctor's diagnosis, sir" and then they would had over their file and i'd look it over and probably usually just agree with whatever their doctor said. this would be a great way to learn about medicine, plus I would charge 1000 dollars per visit.
-al
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I was thinking, hey, why all the big, bulky handles on kitchen sink faucets? Why not make one that is super thin? I mean like the size of a needle. It could also be sharp like a needle to hold things. Like tomatos.
-barquedust
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We often throw terms like "coincidence" around haphazardly without really looking any deeper. Is it just a "coincidence" that there are the EXACT same amount of days in a year in every single country in the world? To me this whole thing reeks of conspiracy!
-barquedust
-
Isn't it a bit presumptuous to just assume that a gay mans husband is also gay? Oh, so now ALL homosexuals are gay? Oh, wait, I just figured out the first one. But you see what I mean.
-barquedust
-
If I was a fur trapper, I think cruelty to animals would be like my top issue. One of the things that prays on my poor ole trapper heart is the thought of some lil critter with his leg all mangled up and caught in some rusty old trap. That's why my traps are modified to cut the legs clean off. And if that critters got enough gumption to get away after that, well then by golly, he's worth his salt, I reckon. Besides the pelt off the leg should still fetch a mighty handsome price.
-barquedust
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Probably the easiest subject to take in college would be 'The Humanities' - you know why? There's only one - The Human. The second easiest would be 'The Manatees' - because they are so humanlike.
-barquedust
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As funny as it sounds, it might not be a bad idea to make a law where all wheelchair people are required to roll themselves backwards in public. This would help them to develop special skills which rolling forward all the time deprives them of, not to mention working different muscle groups. And instead of complaining about this law, howabout a little gratitude, people?
-barquedust
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Because we still know so little about them, it's very difficult to say exactly which of all the animals is really the stupidest. But I'd have to say the giraffe is definitely one of the biggest idiots of all. It's like, "Hello? Is anyone home?"
-barquedust
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I was thinking of getting an unusual pet like a Salt Water Crocodile but there is very little literature available. I think they eat wildebeests but how do you train them? How do you pick out one that's good with kids? Im tempted to just wing it but I think they live for a long time and I dont want to be stuck with a crappy croc, you know?
-al-
Whenever I have a bad day at work and it seems like I work too hard for the money I make I just remember how difficult life was for the early pioneers of this country and how stupid they were because they couldn't get a decent education and how they all had buck-teeth because they were all hillbillies. After I get done laughing, I usually feel much better.
-barquedust
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If you ever sit down in a chair at an important staff meeting at work and it makes a farting noise, a good way to handle it smoothly is to repeat the noise a couple of times by shifting in your seat again to give the idea that it was the chair and not you. Then say, "Man, did you hear that chair crap it's pants?" Pretty soon the laughter will subside and everyone will appreciate the sensitivity of the moment.
-barquedust
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Deep Inventions: Instead of a helicopter, how about a "Heliumcopter". It operates just like a normal helicopter, but it has 4 or 5 huge helium-filled balloons tied to ropes which are attached to the body of the machine. The helium helps the craft to lift off easier. In the military, they paint the balloons camo so it's not easy to spot. And if the heliumcopter had to fly a clown somewhere...Look out, here comes the fun!
-barquedust
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Howcome all mexican restaurants seem to have mexican names?
-barquedust-
I wish when you go see a doctor there was a way to skip right to the drugs.
-al-
I've got a game I play in the morning when the alarm clock goes off. You see, i set it to go off exactly thirty minutes earlier than i actually need to get up. So if I was supposed to get up at 6:30am to get ready for work, I set the alarm to go off at 6:00am. Then, when it goes off, I turn it off and lay there completely motionless and try to make a mental note to get up in exactly 30 minutes, as a type of will power exercise. So far it has never worked but now you understand why I'm always late for work, on account of my experiment.
-al-
I think we need to take another look at the laws against "cruel and unusual" punishment. Just because it's unusual doesn't mean it's wrong. Let's not stifle creativity like that, people.
-al
-
One right we have in America when we get busted is the right to an attorney. If I was an attrorney I think I'd learn another skill because who would pick a normal attorney when they could get an attorney plus a magician, or an attorney who could also tell funny jokes?
-al
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The strangest thing happened to me the other day - I had just finished doing my business in the bathroom when I happened to look in the toilet. "Thats funny," I thought, "I don't remember eating army men." Then I washed my hands and went back to work. Later that afternoon I suddenly remembered eating the army men. It's so funny how easily we forget some things and then, suddenly, we remember them again.
-barquedust
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A good way to jazz up a broadway show would be NO MORE SINGING OR DANCING!!!
-barquedust
-
How about a salt and pepper shaker shaker? You plug it in, insert a salt shaker or a pepper shaker (it works with both) then simply pull a trigger and it shakes the shaker for you automatically. Or you could twist a dial on the side for preset shaking durations from 1-60 seconds so you dont have to hold the trigger continuously. What do you do if the power goes out? Simple: take a nap or something.
-al-
I bet we wouldn't be so grossed out by vomit if it weren't so disgusting. I mean, when you really think about it, when you take away all of the disgusting elements of it, it's really just regurgitated foodstuffs mixed with stomache acid and probably rotten something or other. Oh, and spit.
-barquedust
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Deep Inventions:
The inherent flaw with X-Ray Vision; Radiation. This is why the lead 'Brain Glasses' would be perfect. They look like normal sunglasses, but you have them surgically implanted on the back sides of your eyeballs to protect your brain. Welcome to worry-free X-Ray Vision, my friend!
-barquedust
-
If i'm on fire try to put me out with water, not with a blanket. I'm hot enough as it is, man. And if you have to use a fire extinguisher try not to get it in my hair.
-al-
do you think if you have a dog and a duck for pets, and the dog needs braces, it's fair for the duck to get jealous that you're paying so much attention to the dog? you could get mad at the duck and start yelling about how he doesn't even have teeth so he couldn't possibly understand, but yelling at a duck is crazy, my friend. just get the braces for your dog; it's the right thing to do and eventually the duck will come around.
-al
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Deep Inventions: How about a laser beam that curves? This way, if you were a surveyor you could survey the heights of things around corners. If you were a laser surgeon, you would simply get used to pointing your laser at about a 30 degree angle from how you normally do. Everybody wins!
-barquedust
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